Over The Table Limit

Those Messy Emotions

2012-01-25T01:30:00.000-08:00

I have always been what I would term as emotional, I used to make apologies for it but I don't anymore, for while there is definitely a dark side to it - there is also much laughter and light and a very positive side.
My best friend has joked with me - that she thinks emotions are messy.
I always laughed and said I would rather be one that feels emotions even if its at times intensely and messy then not to feel them at all or be as I refer to some people - flat-liners.
And while I haven't changed my mind on that - it has given me some "food for thought" In the last number of months - I have had a awareness a epiphany if you will and that is - the times / days I have struggled and I am happy to say that there haven't been all that many - but the days I did - all had one reoccuring theme. They were days - where I had felt intense anger about something and all the fall out and negative emotions that goes with that. I have dealt with other emotions without wanting to revert to bad habits - but anger - frustration - is one I haven't completely overcome yet.
I am not saying I was/ am homicidal - or going postal on anything or anybody - I like to think of myself as having a wee bit more in control then that - but its that suppressed and internalized type of anger that you feel helpless to do anything about the cause of it other then vent and which I can and do to my best friend, mom and sister. I don't even share those sort of feelings with my husband, not because I can't or he wouldn't be sympathetic - but often they are of the nature and about things that he would look at me and say - "and why are you so angry" - and that conversation never ends well.

So -once I realized there was a pattern to the days I have struggled, I started to look a bit more inward and trying to identify - what it is I could do - to process and deal with that anger. My reasons for feeling angry just don't come out of the blue and they are related to situations or how that situation is handled or some injustice I have perceived. However if I am being totally honest with myself, there are times where the intensity isn't in proportion to the trigger. End result is I feel angry, ticked off - peeved whatever you want to call it and then that creates this antsy feeling in me, almost like I am crawling out of my skin - and then when that feeling hits, I can't focus, and when I can't focus - my immediate knee jerk response is to eat. I don't crave anything in particular - its just I want to keep eating, anything. I have managed thus far to stay on plan - but its by nibbling on a number of points friendly snacks and when I do that, it scares me. As I have said, I have managed to control it thus far - but .. what if ..
I believe that type of knee jerk response, a reaction almost without thinking, is a result of long time associations - intense emotion equals eating. It is a very ingrained coping skill.
I shared this thought process with my mom and she said - wow , I never realized what a emotional person you were ! *I did laugh at that*.

So now I have identified it and I know why I do it - what can I do to change that association?
I am learning in my quest to seek more serenity, joy and peace in my life - that to hold onto that type of emotion is counter productive and seldom helps in dealing with the cause of the emotion.
I need to let the anger go, I don't think it is just a matter of handling it better but actually letting it go-, not allowing it to have the power over me, my emotions and actions. I am still pondering on this but one thing I have definitely realized is once I have identified a problem, a answer often presents itself - if one is prepared to listen and then act on it.

Reflections on Binge Eating

2012-01-25T01:00:00.001-08:00

I am a binge eater ... I binged my way to 435 plus pounds.
I have binged when I had the stomach flu, been so ill - that I vomited and then ate some more.
I have gone through mcdonalds drive thru, scarfed down 2 combo's, and then ran errands and then went back through the drive thru again.
I have eaten food I don't even like - I have gotten up in the middle of the night to make myself kraft dinner, and while cooking it - ate 8 slices of jam on toast.
making 4 at a time.

I have 100 stories of my binging.
Even when I lost significant amount of weight before I still experienced the binge mentality at times - but doing so on "points" friendly foods.

I would eat 6 sugar free jello cups - in a row, eat a salad with low fat dressing, followed by a fruit and then a couple of other 1 pt foods. This is the first time I have ever shared that - because at the same time - I had myself convinced as the weight was coming off at the scale - that I had it under "control".
I did not.
So when - my carefully constructed house of cards came crumbling down, I just switched over to eating the "fattening" foods again.
and because deep down I hadn't truly changed the behavior - just the foods... I gained all the weight back and more. As well - I "resented" and struggled often with feelings of deprivation and that - whiny - why can't I eat it attitude followed up by - oh I will just have just a little and get back OP tomorrow. Some can and that works very well for them. I can't. That triggers something in my brain that leads to nowhere good. Perhaps one day - I won't have to be as diligent - but today is not that day.

I do not resent being OP this time, I do not struggle against myself and its MY CHOICE to eat as I do, making as many healthy choices I can .. but one huge thing has changed - I eat 6 times a day- so I always know when I will eat next, but I don't eat back to back.

So even if its a substantial snack made up for example - some melba toast and laughing cow cheese with sliced apples .. its done so sitting down with the plate and all that food on it, as opposed to eating 2 pieces of melba toast with one wedge - then a apple .. then more melba toast with another wedge- see the difference?

After I have eaten, I wait at least a hour - ideally 2-3 hours before I eat again. Doesn't matter that I only ate a 2 pt yogurt at 7 am. - I need to wait till 9 am before I eat anything else.

For me it started with the acknowledgment - that I was abusing myself with food. I punished myself with food and I hid behind my weight and was fast allowing it to become a "disability" where I expected others to accommodate that.

I used food as a way to cope with all things negative or perceived as such in my life.
I used food to avoid all sorts of situations and for me - if I was binging- I was so caught up in the "negative self abusive behavior" that it "numbed" the other stressors in my life.

That was a huge key piece and a turning point in my life - when I acknowledged that with inside myself - and said OK ..
this isn't working, so what do I do instead and from that- using all the knowledge that I think most of us have inside- I created my game plan and I took the focus off food as the answer and stopped being the victim of my own self abusive behavior.

I think abuse of any nature, physical, mental - is abhorrent and when I hear of others being abused by partners or parents - I am sickened by it - so why then was it "ok" in any shape or form for me to abuse myself?

I am worth the effort, and that is what I have to tell myself every day.
I ..... am..... worth .... the ... effort.
I will stop the abuse.
I have that control, and I believe you have that control to stop the abuse.
I made the choice - I will not punish myself with food.
and I will continually seek new ways to solve problems in my life without using food as the tool.

And if I can't get through the day, I can get through 15 minutes and another 15 minutes etc and soon thats a day and then I start the next.
I don't know all the answers - and I don't know if I will feel/ do the same thing tomorrow - but this is what I know today.

Loving myself enough now!

2012-01-25T01:00:00.000-08:00

I have had these same thoughts a number of times, I have even written and shared them before - more then once so deep down inside it, I believe it, but I need to continue to work on "living it". And just maybe - I need to "LISTEN" to myself just a little harder, *smile*.

A wonderful person I know told me about how her husband "hears" her but he doesn't always "listen" to her and I thought - perfect - how many times do we do that - even when it comes to self talk!
These aren't necessarily new ideas for me but my thoughts when I "listen" to myself are still the same.

I first discovered the quote and wrote about these following thoughts many years years ago -

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful". - Herman Caine

I had a epiphany then and I had it again so it must be truly how I feel - so the key for me is in "listening" to myself and not just hearing the words. Most of us have this desire for success but often is a elusive type feeling we don't define for ourselves. Many of us won't / don't consider ourselves overall successful because we fear that success, we fear the expectations it will place on us and we fear that we can't live up to it. That of-course is why we self sabotage. We don't want to set ourselves up into a situation we feel that we can't maintain.

When I read it then and I read it again now, I realize again that I have allowed myself to get back into the wrong way of looking at things. I vacillate between two extremes - either looking forward to that illusive day in the future that if I do this or that and something else - then I can call myself successful and then of course ... I would be happy, or the opposite of extreme of that of doing NOTHING, existing not living.

So if I apply the theory that if I love what I am doing now then I will be successful - that means I can be successful today and say so. I can say so because I am doing today the things I know are positive things for me. I am maximizing my potential to achieve by doing so. I know I feel good when I have done those things, I love the feeling it gives me and I am loving it right now.

So what are those "things" that make me love what I am doing today - and therefore make me feel successful to do so! .. A few for me are presenting myself in the best possible way, to be On Plan .. to move my body - even if its for 1 more minute then I did yesterday - and to truly "listen" to myself and be OK with what I am saying .. for it may be not be perfect but it is who I am today. And if I don't achieve all of what I desire today that doesn't mean I am a "Failure", it only means I failed to achieve TODAY- but that doesn't automatically make it the blueprint for tomorrow.

Today I am a success ..

Emotional Eating vs Food Addiction

2012-01-25T00:30:00.001-08:00

What is the difference between emotional eating and food addiction - and does emotional eating turn into food addiction.

I have always labeled myself as an emotional eater, as for me that is someone who eats when they aren't hungry, will eat things that I don't necessarily like - leading to binging which for some - maybe something else entirely.

I have also said before - one doesn't get to be my size without being addicted to food. Addiction by definition is when there is a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance. I also recognize that I have a addictive personality in other aspects of my life that I have to be aware of.

But this is where I question addiction - because I question if food in and of itself - say a bowl of chips is addictive - but whether instead its the associated feelings/emotions to food that is the addiction.

We all may crave certain foods - lots of scientific studies to show that there are certain components that we can become addicted too - but .. I think largely for the most part at least speaking for myself - its the result of the uncontrolled eating that I am addicted too.

Feelings that for me include - escapism, numbing, avoidance, self punishment.

That is where the emotional eating part comes to play as well, it is the negative cycle we find ourselves in.

Now the big question is - how to stop that emotional eating.

Well - for myself, its identifying the triggers - the reasons why I eat, what it is I get from eating and the EXTREMELY slow process of re-wiring myself to not associate those feelings with food.
It can be done. I refuse to think it can't be.

It also doesn't matter how many times one starts over or starts again.

For myself, I know some of the triggers - one being stress - which is so cliche but .. then for me its then breaking down that stress - to pinpoint exactly what it is. I used to think it was night time eating I had problem with - as often that is when I binged - but what I realized is that I had formed the habit of when the house was quiet in the evenings -that is when I would start to think of the day and what had gone on with the kids or how was I going to pay for something or thinking over a disagreement I had with someone -it was that that I reacted too by eating so that I didn't think of those things - that instead - I stuffed my mouth as a way of "avoiding" having to think.
During the day - for myself - its easy for me to stay OP but its the nighttime when I have time to "think" that is when the problems can start.

So I would eat, and eat and often binge eating which then comes with its own associated feelings - BUT guess what - I stopped thinking of the problem with my daughter or how I was going to pay the bill etc.

So what I have been trying instead is to turn that negative obsessing - into constructive problem solving. To journal about it - to talk it over with a friend - and if I really can't get my brain to shut down - to sit on my enclosed front porch - with candles lit - and drinking a cup of tea listening to music- anything to move me out of that moment.

Bottom line - FOOD IS NEVER THE ANSWER to a problem unless its true hunger.

Shame be gone!

2012-01-25T00:30:00.000-08:00

Be gone Guilt! Be gone fear of failure and Be gone sense of shame ! (waving my magic wand about) bippity boppity boo!
I have decided - this is a no shame zone! No feelings of shame, guilt or fear of failure allowed here! I have let all those emotions rule my actions. I cannot -will not let the past shape my future- All I can do is move forward. Each detour - is not without its own lessons learned. That is what I take from it - its like purging one's closet of all unwanted ill fitting clothes - I am purging my closet of crap emotions! They are kicked to the curb.
I am who I am today, whether or not I will succeed this time - is to be seen. I believe I can do it, I know one day I will succeed, the desire is always there inside me. So here I am - and feeling free to share whatever thoughts I want to share and put out there for the world to see!

Finding my Happy spot

2012-01-24T17:49:00.000-08:00

As I reflect over the last couple of years - I am coming to the conclusion that I have misplaced my happy spot. That's not to say that I am not grateful for all the good things I recognize that I do have in my life or that I am necessarily unhappy.

Its more the feeling of inertia that I seem to find myself in so much. Its very hard to explain. Its very much a inner feeling - not necessarily related to how I live my every day life but how I feel about many of the outside influences on my life.

I am a busy mom of many and on any given day have many things to accomplish - meeting the individual needs of my children and working at maintaining a nice home. I do all those things - and I enjoy doing it. My children are my primary focus - and I feel good for the most part about my role in their lives. I love our home and I am content and happy in my relationship with my spouse.

Yet - I also remember a time where I could find the simplest and most joyous of pleasures in little things and I don't experience that as much as I would like anymore. I also have realized I don't laugh as much as I used too and if I do - its often because I have found the cynicism in something and its like- *laugh* what else did I expect.

I think that right there - that thought - that nothing really changes for the good and just as importantl - "stays good" in the outside world - has been allowed to have way too much impact on ME .... who I really am at the core. I feel wore down by a never ending cycle of thoughts around the idea that there are many things I can't change. Whether it be the bureaucracy in organizations I deal with, where I find myself constantly butting up against or be it ongoing financial pressures - and the problems that come along with that. Its that constant feeling that as soon as you take care of one problem, its only for another two to rush in to take its place.

I also know that to my detriment at times - I take on the worries and the woes too much of those I love most dearly. Again its that - let me fix this - and you feel good if you can contribute something to the resolution of the problem yet guess what - another seemingly insurmountable problem follows on the heels of the one you just solved. Its not that I think its all hopeless but rather its better to be guarded - that somehow if I feel too much, that somehow it will end up being a negative and yet- right there - thats the negative. To give up on the belief that I can bring about postive change.

I used to think of myself as a very positive person - I was the one known for my enthusiasm - and often was called Pollyanna in my outlook - believing that there was always a good side to everything.
I argue with myself at times - justifying my feelings in that as I have become older - I have simply become more pragmatic but deep deep down - as I said - at the very core of who I am- I have lost my happy spot.

And I know with total and utter certainty - that the weight plays a HUGE part of this, again all part of the vicious cycle I have spoke of - and it becomes harder and harder to get back to where feeling good in all aspects on all levels - isn't just a drive by occurence.

Its that age old question - what came first - the chicken or the egg - is it the weight that has brought me here - or the negative thoughts/ living that brought the weight.
I say negative living - yet - I really don't think of myself as a negative person, but I recognize that many of my actions - or many times - NON-actions are negative especially when it effects only me and who I am.

I also know - that the sense of failure - when it comes to certain aspects of my life - with the weight being the biggest one - is crushing.
It is what can take a positive action driven person and it can drive them to that sense of inertia that I spoke of - where you find yourself doing the least you can do - so that your expectations are never too high but you also don't experience that "let down", because you aren't disappointed and you find yourself at a spot where you are simply existing - and the joys that one should experience in every day living are minimal.

For myself I have established that to live the life I want and to do so with purpose, it needs to be acheived with positive actions. Yet at the same time - it is also aknowlegeging that all things in my life do not have to be in sync in order to find that happy spot. Small CONSISTANT positive actions can bring about huge results.

Forgiving Myself

2012-01-24T17:48:00.000-08:00

As a mom of many, one of the things I teach/encourage my children to is to forgive.

I teach them that it is good to forgive when someone wrongs them or makes a poor judgment that affects them, and to forgive that person that hurts them with words.
Yet I realized today - that equally as important is being able to forgive oneself.
Sounds easy but oh so hard to do.

I have come to realize that I am very hard on myself in non productive ways. I have also come to realize that my knee jerk reaction is to punish myself with food when I do something "wrong" that I feel guilty about. I have already established - that I don't seek food for comfort but rather more as a way to punish myself. That somehow - I don't deserve to feel / look good.

I need to forgive myself, I need to let go of the negative emotions, and to realize that I can learn from my mistakes - and if one can learn - then the mistake had purpose.

It is no different then I teach my children. Forgiveness is good, it makes a person stronger, more compassionate. It has purpose.

I forgive myself, I forgive myself for all the things where I wish I had made better choices but realize now that my only choice is to learn from those mistakes and move forward with that knowledge.

I forgive myself being fat, I want and will be healthier but until I am - I am who I am and that is not a bad thing.

I forgive myself for all the times I have started something and not completed it. Again - all i can do is analyze what held me back and to move forward .. always moving forward with the belief that I will complete what I start if it has purpose and meaning for me.

I forgive myself for abusing my body with food - and to realize that to learn a new way of life is going to take time. I can and will do this.

I forgive myself for all the horrible things I have said to myself.

I do deserve to be happy, healthy and the person I choose to be.

Why is food so important ?

2012-01-24T17:22:00.000-08:00

Why do I allow it to have such power.

I have to believe that other things can cause me to be excited, to feel good, to comfort me.

I appreciate that - through the history of time - food has been associated with celebrations, good times and even at times used to reward hard work.

However - to choose healthy foods - and to take pleasure from healthy eating - isn't meant to be a punishment or a consequence.

I know I have to keep reminding myself of that.
This is not a negative. This is a positive thing.
Reality is - there is no end to this lifestyle - there will never be a day where I can eat the way I used too.

The losing weight really has to be a by product of eating and living healthy.

To look at it any other way - I think just sets one up to think that at some point in the future -after enduring "deprivation" - they can be rewarded doing what they want.

ITs backwards thinking - We have to think and believe we are doing what we want right now!

To eat healthy and make good food choices is not something to be endured as a means to an end - but rather it should empower and be associated with a really amazing sense of achievement!

I need to remember this!

That is my Food for thought today *smile*

Do I Want To Be Fat ?? Asking the hard question again !

2012-01-24T17:18:00.000-08:00

Note: This was hard for me to repost, as I originally wrote it 3 years ago, and today much of it still remains true or is true again. I have changed the information to be relevant to today. With that said I do believe its worthwhile to post, as the insight I had then and need to embrace today is also still relevant.

Well of course the immediate answer is no! - but then I stop think about it some more.
I have been overweight all my life, even in kindergarten I was a "bigger" girl.
It was in my teenage years though that I really started to put on the weight and go from bigger to fat - to morbidly obese in my adult years. Now I have reached a whole new level.

While I have started diets 1000's of times - there is only three times that I have successfully lost any amount of weight.

The first time was before I got married - I lost over 60 lbs which of course I gained back and went up from there. The second time was in 2002 -I started at 380 and I lost 132 lbs. I felt amazing, wonderful, and had so much energy. Then - physically I started to feel really poorly- and in my mixed up brain - I associated the weight loss with the physical feelings and the weight started creeping back on. Of course there is more to the story there but isn't there always ?
The point is - the resolve weakened and the weight came back and then some.
The 3rd time, in 2009-10, I lost over 120 lbs and I can't even remember this time why I stopped and again it was all regained and few more to go with it.

As it was then as is it now - I have gained more and more weight and now from a physical point of view, I feel like I am playing a very dangerous game. I don't have anything "seriously" wrong with me - yet certainly lots of nagging type issues. I get a lot of headaches, my joints and muscles ache much of the time and to walk any length of distance tuckers me out.
I am 47 (now) and I use the motorized scooters when I go to the mall or to Walmart because - the pain in my knee and lower back becomes too much to bear after a short period of time.
And I know people are looking at me wondering why - and thinking - is it because she is so fat.

And if I am being really honest with myself, I know that if I had my sugar levels tested through out the day - they would often be above the norm's.

I certainly am reminded on a daily basis of the physical reasons why I need to lose weight. While my blood pressure is fine, (my blood pressure was fine then but now is creeping up and I had a real scare a few months ago and I can't ignore that reality either) the other tests are normal -but it really is a ticking time bomb.

Not the least of which - I truly am scared of becoming seriously ill or god forbid needing surgery for something - and the embarrassment of being this size.

I remember a number of years ago - and I weighed considerably less then what I do now - and I had pneumonia- I literally couldn't breathe -but I refused to go in the wheelchair to x-ray because I knew that I wouldn't fit "right" into it and it would make that squeaky squeaky noise that wheelchairs whose tires are being overloaded do. Of course I was also thinking about the person having to push me in it.

So health wise I have every reason to lose weight. Some would even argue its imperative that I lose weight before I find myself with a serious health issue as a result of my weight. Yet .. that isn't enough motivation for me. I certainly think it plays a big factor but - in and of itself - it doesn't motivate me to lose weight.

So I question myself again - do I want to be fat ? No .. I really don't want to be this fat. This obese - this huge - this embarrassing.

If only it was that simple, I could wave the magic wand and poof - I would be so much thinner.
The reality is - that it is easier to remain stagnant - to ignore the pain -the emotional pain of being fat - and to be seduced in a false sense of nothingness, where for the moment - my size, how I physically feel, how I mentally feel doesn't matter. That - what I do this moment, what I put into my mouth - that I chose not to move my body - means nothing.

To choose not to succumb to that numbness - that is what takes the effort - the resolve and the desire to change the physical and mental state of who I am.

Today do I have that resolve? - Today Yes I do.

Self Fulfilling Prohphecies

2012-01-24T16:41:00.000-08:00

I really do believe to some extent that we are self programmed for either success or failure. It all has to do with the voices in our head - (and no I am not psychotic or at least haven't been diagnosed as such).

If we really listened to the voices in our head, we would see the writing is on the wall. How many times have you started on a self help program of some sort only to fail again and again ? This is not a new theory by no means. Its a multi-million dollar industry. People writing books telling people how to solve their problems, how to lose weight, how to stop smoking, how to effectively change a bad habit.

And in most every one of those books are some good ideas, some thought that makes you think, look at and examine your own life, your own choices. We get all fired up, we buy all the stuff, We start to talk the language and we become a follower of the great plan. I have those books, the tapes, I love "stuff".

However since the stuff hasn't included a micro-chip that I can insert into my brain that somehow automatically changes my thoughts ... I have realized that this really does take some inner brain work on my part!

I always start off with the best intentions - the can do attitude - and next thing you know you I am half way through a box of frozen flakies.

Its a vicious cycle and for myself - each time I lose a little more self respect. I question my abilities just a little more and that nasty negative voice in my head gets louder and as I get older - I certainly get a lot more cynical and yet .. here I am - unhappy with how I look and more importantly how I feel and wanting to do something about it.

So how do you stop that vicious cycle ? How do you stop the false starts and stops and how do you just do it.

Well that is what my writing about, to figure it out and these are a couple of things I know for sure.
The resolve to lose weight has to be stronger then the resolve to stay fat. Now one might question - why anybody would want to stay fat ... and that is a good question. Yet - obviously on some level - I want to stay fat... wait .. I meant to say WANTED to stay fat.
A question I definitely need to explore and answer for myself.

Something else I know for sure is that my inner brain chatter really is not in my best interest and I need to change the script. I need to re-record over the little voices that tell me - yeah somehow its ok if you have a big mac, large fries and hell why not the apple pie too cause you have gone that far.

What I do know for absolutely sure is that - you can't change it all in one day, it is a process, it is a concentrated effort of deliberate actions.

That is what I am thinking on today.

How do you eat a elephant?

2012-01-24T16:39:00.000-08:00

One bite at a time of course!
- I have had elephants on the brain lately and thought well - why not use the imagery and associations and make it work for me!
When I think about how much in total I have to lose - it would be so easy to become overwhelmed - with over 235 lbs to lose (which co-incidentally is approximately how much a baby elephant weighs at birth - ) so with that much to lose it could be a daunting task - sort of like eating a elephant - but just like the age old joke - the answer really is the clue to how I will do this - not the whole elephant at a time but one bite at a time. One pound, 5 lbs - 10 pounds -at a time.

So as I said - why not use these thoughts, this image as a tangible visual if u will... I even went out today and bought myself a very pretty jeweled elephant to sit on my desk.
I look at her and rather be overwhelmed, I am inspired ... I can do this - one pound, one bite at a time!

Over The Table Limit

2012-01-24T16:36:00.000-08:00

Once a few years ago and just recently, I had another similar situations ( you would think that the first time would have been enough ) ... two different medical tests where the weight became the elephant in the room - the first time - I had to have a ultra sound on my leg to rule out a blood clot that thankfully I didn't have.

Now I am happy to say it wasn't a blood clot.
HOWEVER .... as I am trying to figure out how I am going to get myself up on the table for the test, the technician looks at me and oh so matter of factly says to me - " Do you weigh more then 400 lbs" - because that is the table limit and if you do - then I can't peform the test in this manner.

I quickly reassured her in a slightly outraged tone - that NO - I was not over the table limit and then immediately felt sick to my stomach -feeling all prickly - swallowing over and over as I laid there - listening carefully to each creak and groan and trying very hard not to move too much - just in case that table would come crashing down as testament to the fact that indeed it couldn't hold more then 400 lbs and then she would know for sure that I lied.

That phrase - Over the table limit, I have heard it over and over again in my head. Each time - that familiar sense of shame, and revulsion accompanying it.

Now for some that might be an epiphany - their Aha! moment - but the sad reality - is that I have had many type moments and yet - that moment - that day wasn't the day I started again.

I had to hear it in my head over and over, I had to struggle one more time to walk, struggle one more time to wash all my nooks and crannies in the shower and struggle one more time with the looks that young children give to me as they whisper to their parents about how fat I am.

For as much as the embarrassment, the debilitating pain and the shame is strong and powerful - the pull of the "comfort" in food is oh so much greater. It sucks you in like you imagine an object being sucked into a black hole.
No lover whispers sweeter words then the momentary - pleasure of food.

You wonder sometimes - if you can ever fight against it - be strong enough, to stop drowning in all the negativity that goes with it. You can, I can. We will.

Those words have become powerful words - Over the table limit and of course the reason why I named the blog for it. Do you have a moment that made you think - just a bit more then usual about all the reasons why you need to lose weight, to get healthier and become the person who you really are and not the host for the monster that now lives inside you ?

Something to think about.
L`anne

What I want to lose....

2012-01-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

What I want to lose, is not only the weight, but all the emotional baggage that goes with it. That is really what its all about.

As to the actual amount of weight to lose, lets just say -that I don't have just a few pounds to lose - you could cut me in half - (if only it were so easy!) and both halves would still be overweight by society norms. Now there's a contradiction - Society's norms - but thats for another day's ramblings.

You don't get to be this size on accident - so for me it really is about figuring out - how I did get here and using that knowledge, to get the strength to get the hell out of here.

I have lived my life fat - and I will state it here and now - I truly have no desire to be thin - (again those society norms version of thin) but rather what I want - is to emerge as the woman who is not only thinner, but healthier -mentally and physically. To redefine who I am.

I have been on this journey before, I have started it many times, I have started many a plan, on many a day - but this time is different though, not because I have the crystal ball that tells me so - but because - today is the day - I start again. That's all you can do, and maybe its about starting again, but rather continuing. Today I can do this.

The Emergence

2012-01-24T16:02:00.000-08:00

I love butterflies, I love the idea that they start out as something totally different then what they end up being. Slowly evolving, emerging into the beautiful butterfly able to break out of her cocoon and fly high and free
I originally started this blog years ago, as a place for me to share thoughts - and all the emotions - that go with the struggle to lose weight. Its a place for me to think out loud - to keep my fingers busy so they aren't stuffing frozen ding dongs into my mouth (they really are best frozen).
Much of I wrote before and in years past, still defines me and what my thoughts are and how I view this weight loss journey, however at the same time I wanted to re-examine where I was and where I am going now. I have removed all my previous posts and my plan is to edit and re-publish them as well as my new thoughts, rants and musings.
I will continue forward evolving and getting my wings, I know that some day I will have them!