Woman in the Window

This past Saturday night, I was sitting on my glassed in porch, enjoying a cup of tea. In observance of earth hour - the lights are off and I have a candle burning. I feel good, I have had a good OP week, I have had a very productive day. I am spending time with someone who is very special to me and its sort of neat - being there with the candle light flickering.

Then I look over to the window and there - I see my reflection in full side profile and its like a punch to the gut and yet I can't stop looking, like the person who can't look away from a bad accident. Now I do look at myself in the mirror - but I have perfected the - look quickly - make sure my hair isn't standing up and I have a overall presentable look- look away. I certainly don't study the image in the mirror or let any thoughts bubble to the surface.

Looking back into the window, -quite frankly I am repulsed by what I see, and the thoughts pour in. Immediately all the negative voices are re-activated, the negative feelings, the disgust, the self pity, the oh my god how did I let myself get here. I couldn't believe how big I was- how much my stomach protruded out - and all I could think of was that one character on Star Wars - Jaba the hut.

But what is most amazing is - quick on the heels of that thought was- the "screw this" attitude and where are the chips and dip. Now I didn't give into it - but it made me pause and think.

How often is that the case - without even being so aware of it - where a negative self thought - creeps in and the knee jerk reaction is to reach for food. It is these moments of awareness one think should invoke the opposite reaction - and that is - to reinforce why it is so very necessary to remain On Plan, to keep moving my body. I need to focus on turning that negative into a positive, to say to myself, Ok - so here you are - but .. I need to ask myself the what would you get question.

What would I get if I didn't - and what would I get if I did ... so what would I get if I gave in to that knee jerk urge to fill my face - and what would I get if I didn't.

Then that got me to thinking, what exactly is it I get from eating / bingeing and why is it - even as I am fighting internally with myself - my hands are reaching for foods I know that I shouldn't eat and many times - once into a total binge - I eat foods I don't even like. A full out binge is rarely about the food itself.

That knee jerk reaction to eat once I saw myself in the mirror - certainly wasn't born out of hunger - but what it appears to be - is a form of self punishment. And on the flip side of that is - if I am doing well -do I think deep down somehow I don't deserve that either.

So how do I break that negative immediate reaction, the conditioned response I have created within

I know -one of the steps for me - is forgiveness. So easy to say - so hard to do.
Another step I am recognizing is - patience or more accurately learning patience and perhaps the most important step of all is acceptance.

Acceptance of who I am today - acceptance that I have made mistakes or perhaps the better way of putting it is I have made "choices" that I wouldn't make again. I need to forgive myself for having made those choices. Patience to understand that I can't just snap my fingers and be the person that I want to be. It is a process. Patience to accept that the process may take years. To accept that small positives steps is far better then remaining stagnant.

Awareness is also equally important because one needs to be aware of the reasons, the motivation - both negative and positive that has led to the choices - again both good and bad.
What works - what doesn't. What feels good - what doesn't.

What I have learned through my self analyzing is to live in the moment and make it the best I can. Full Stop.

It is through my continued quest to understand myself and the decisions I have made, it is through awareness , acceptance, forgiveness and patience that the best I give each moment will evolve as I will and become the person I want to be.

One day - I will be sitting on the porch - and see my reflection in the window and I will smile - and be at peace with all I see.

Finding my Happy spot

As I reflect over the last couple of years - I am coming to the conclusion that I have misplaced my happy spot. That's not to say that I am not grateful for all the good things I recognize that I do have in my life or that I am necessarily unhappy.

Its more the feeling of inertia that I seem to find myself in so much. Its very hard to explain. Its very much a inner feeling - not necessarily related to how I live my every day life but how I feel about many of the outside influences on my life.

I am a busy mom of many and on any given day have many things to accomplish - meeting the individual needs of my children and working at maintaining a nice home. I do all those things - and I enjoy doing it. My children are my primary focus - and I feel good for the most part about my role in their lives. I love our home and I am content and happy in my relationship with my spouse.

Yet - I also remember a time where I could find the simplest and most joyous of pleasures in little things and I don't experience that as much as I would like anymore. I also have realized I don't laugh as much as I used too and if I do - its often because I have found the cynicism in something and its like- *laugh* what else did I expect.

I think that right there - that thought - that nothing really changes for the good and just as importantl - "stays good" in the outside world - has been allowed to have way too much impact on ME .... who I really am at the core. I feel wore down by a never ending cycle of thoughts around the idea that there are many things I can't change. Whether it be the bureaucracy in organizations I deal with, where I find myself constantly butting up against or be it ongoing financial pressures - and the problems that come along with that. Its that constant feeling that as soon as you take care of one problem, its only for another two to rush in to take its place.

I also know that to my detriment at times - I take on the worries and the woes too much of those I love most dearly. Again its that - let me fix this - and you feel good if you can contribute something to the resolution of the problem yet guess what - another seemingly insurmountable problem follows on the heels of the one you just solved. Its not that I think its all hopeless but rather its better to be guarded - that somehow if I feel too much, that somehow it will end up being a negative and yet- right there - thats the negative. To give up on the belief that I can bring about postive change.

I used to think of myself as a very positive person - I was the one known for my enthusiasm - and often was called Pollyanna in my outlook - believing that there was always a good side to everything.
I argue with myself at times - justifying my feelings in that as I have become older - I have simply become more pragmatic but deep deep down - as I said - at the very core of who I am- I have lost my happy spot.

And I know with total and utter certainty - that the weight plays a HUGE part of this, again all part of the vicious cycle I have spoke of - and it becomes harder and harder to get back to where feeling good in all aspects on all levels - isn't just a drive by occurence.

Its that age old question - what came first - the chicken or the egg - is it the weight that has brought me here - or the negative thoughts/ living that brought the weight.
I say negative living - yet - I really don't think of myself as a negative person, but I recognize that many of my actions - or many times - NON-actions are negative especially when it effects only me and who I am.

I also know - that the sense of failure - when it comes to certain aspects of my life - with the weight being the biggest one - is crushing.
It is what can take a positive action driven person and it can drive them to that sense of inertia that I spoke of - where you find yourself doing the least you can do - so that your expectations are never too high but you also don't experience that "let down", because you aren't disappointed and you find yourself at a spot where you are simply existing - and the joys that one should experience in every day living are minimal.

For myself I have established that to live the life I want and to do so with purpose, it needs to be acheived with positive actions. Yet at the same time - it is also aknowlegeging that all things in my life do not have to be in sync in order to find that happy spot. Small CONSISTANT positive actions can bring about huge results.

On the Dark Side of the Spoon

I have started to write this post no fewer then 4 times and like the very title of this post - it is because I keep wandering over to the dark side that I couldn't write it.

Now I don't want to imply that in the 3 months since I have blogged that I have fallen into the great dark abyss where time is marked by one binge to the next.

Now thankfully I haven't gone back to that point but I do keep dipping a toe in. I haven't gained any weight back and in fact since November have lost another 10 lbs.
Now I would love to bask in the glow of good job, steady turtle wins the race and all that - however we all know that's crap.

To be this size and have only lost 10 lbs only means that I am doing a good job of keeping my water retention down and can also thank 2 nasty bouts of stomach flu in the last month for helping in that number.

I keep having false starts to living the life I want to live on purpose. I do know in part its my all or nothing attitude that is to blame. Where if I can't have all things in place - house in order, presenting myself in the best possible way, on plan, and feeling good physically - that I tend to keep sabotaging. Its like playing your favorite song- and singing along with it and when you don't get the words exactly right -you start at the beginning again and you repeat the same pattern over and over again. Now some of us - learn that song but others - lose interest, get distracted and move onto something else.

To keep "starting" over isn't working - I have come to the realization that to have all aspects of my life in perfect balance /harmony is a wonderful ideal but it doesn't need to be the yard stick by which I measure success. Success is any day that I strive to achieve.

Its the indifference that I struggle with at times that I can't accept of myself. If I don't achieve balance in all areas - so be it - but what I need to truly do is accept who I am, and what I can do today, pushing myself just a little bit each day - setting a minimum expectation and striving to do better.

The one aspect of my life that I really do struggle with and I know it plays havoc with the good sense god gave me and that is - there are a lot of days I don't feel all that great physically. Now that's not to say that I feel horrible either, there are a lot of days where I don't have a lot of energy and my muscles and bones ache.

I did find out recently that I was low in iron and I think this has been a contributing factor. My periods are a bitch and I think that has also contributed overall to the blah feelings. However I also know that in part - its because of my weight, its a vicious circle. I start off on plan -feeling great, get energy and then I have a off day and I let those physical feelings erode into my comittment and next thing I know I am courting the dark side of the spoon again.

I have made a dr's appt not to rule in any problem but rather - to rule out that there is some underlying cause for my malaise and to acknowledge that being this heavy is taking a toll on me physically and I can't ignore that anymore.

I am in my mid 40's and I walk and feel like someone 30 -40 years older then me. I was going to say -how did I allow myself to get like this - but I know exactly how, by ignoring all the warning signals, by developing tunnel vision where the only thing that answered any question I had was food.

You know even now as I type this - I am thinking - you have already written this same sort of message - only from another angle - and you know what - I know that - Losing weight, living ones life on purpose really isn't rocket science - we all know how to do it- its the keep on doing it that takes the commitment and effort.

So today I accept that I continue to self sabotage, I acknowledge that and keep on searching inside myself for the answers or rather a better understanding.
Today I work on what I can and will acheieve today.

Forgiving Myself

As a mom of many, one of the things I teach/encourage my children to do is to forgive.

I teach them that it is good to forgive when someone wrongs them or makes a poor judgment that affects them, and to forgive that person that hurts them with words.
Yet I realized today - that equally as important is being able to forgive oneself.
Sounds easy but oh so hard to do.

I have come to realize that I am very hard on myself in non productive ways. I have also come to realize that my knee jerk reaction is to punish myself with food when I do something "wrong" that I feel guilty about. I have already established - that I don't seek food for comfort but rather more as a way to punish myself. That somehow - I don't deserve to feel / look good.

I need to forgive myself, I need to let go of the negative emotions, and to realize that I can learn from my mistakes - and if one can learn - then the mistake had purpose.

It is no different then I teach my children. Forgiveness is good, it makes a person stronger, more compassionate. It has purpose.

I forgive myself, I forgive myself for all the things where I wish I had made better choices but realize now that my only choice is to learn from those mistakes and move forward with that knowledge.

I forgive myself being fat, I want and will be healthier but until I am - I am who I am and that is not a bad thing.

I forgive myself for all the times I have started something and not completed it. Again - all i can do is analyze what held me back and to move forward .. always moving forward with the belief that I will complete what I start if it has purpose and meaning for me.

I forgive myself for abusing my body with food - and to realize that to learn a new way of life is going to take time. I can and will do this.

I forgive myself for all the horrible things I have said to myself.

I do deserve to be happy, healthy and the person I choose to be.

Why Can't I Live In A Bubble

The irony of this whole situation is not lost on me and at the very least - I am glad I have my sense of humor!

Prior to getting re-committed (makes it sounds like I am being admitted to the physch ward) and having hit a real low in my life - I found myself - becoming almost agoraphobic - where I would resist going out - doing things with friends because I was so embarrassingly aware of my size. I also had/have a hard time walking both due in part to a bad leg and the weight.

So many reasons - so many excuses - the only thing that I was consistent in getting out of the house for - was anything to do for my kids.

I got re-committed - and I am doing extremely well- I regained some of my self confidence - and sure the weight loss thus far hasn't made any noticeable difference on the outside - it sure had on the inside, I also had re-committed to presenting myself in the best possible way.

I also am able to control each day - eating only at home - etc. I breezed through Thanksgiving with not a problem - but again here in my own home.

It was all good - so I feel confident enough to go out to a couple of events this past weekend - but then what do I do when we go out to eat.

I justify to myself that it won't hurt just once to have the fries instead of the salad with my grilled chicken sandwich - minus the bun - BUT YES IT DOES HURT! I can't trust myself enough at this point to make those kind of food choices.

It is nothing but a slippery slope -and sure enough - I choose the fries for my meal on Friday - but the rest of the day had been OP.

Then Saturday rolls around and I start off with strong resolve but you see already the negative inner voice has told me - see - Already you are screwing up - why does it matter now for the rest of the weekend - eat what you want - start again on Sunday.

So I eat what I want on Saturday - and I make the choice to go to a buffet rather then a sit down restaurant. Do I like to antagonize myself ? I must for what a choice to make.

The rest of the weekend slides away in binge filled eating frenzy.
Monday morning rolls around I don't feel well - and now for some reason - not feeling well equates to being allowed to eat what I want.

I don't understand what goes on in my head at this time- its like I have shut off the rational thinking part of my brain. I lay on the couch all day - not eating anything till I am so hungry - that I eat stuff that I KNOW - will upset my stomach - but the idea of not eating or making good choices - is one I don 't even contemplate. At this point - I am in a free fall.

Now for the upside - It only lasted 3 and half days as opposed to weeks or even months, I am back OP today and I know I will remain so- I have that "resolve again" but at what cost to my self esteem.

Its a very dangerous game I play with myself. Its like I can do well if I totally isolate myself into my bubble - and minimize the outside influences such as going out for a meal but how REAL is that. I may joke about it - but its not realistic and while a part of me thinks - Ok I will be stronger in a few months - a few more pounds, I know the answer to that question already.

This time - I have to live life to its fullest each day and with that has to come the strength to put myself into situations where I have to consciously make good choices for myself and yet NEVER ever feeling like somehow I am being cheated out of what I really want.

Food has to be what I use to sustain my life, and while certainly I can enjoy it - I can't EVER make it about the food. I have to focus more on the people I am going out with, how I physically feel and appear to the outside world. That has to be my focus but most importantly, I need never feel like somehow I am being "cheated" because I have to choose carefully the foods I eat. Those choices need to empower me - not rob me.

I can't live in a bubble as much as that theory appeals to me. I need to live in the now!

I choose to make positive choices for myself !

Resolve

Resolve, will power, the desire to succeed:

It feels differently this time - but I am having a hard time trusting it. Its only been little more then a couple of weeks.

Yet - my mind can't help but go back to the year plus that I was OP before - where I lost 132 pounds, yet that was 6 years ago - and like so much else - in the past. Both the success and the failure.
I want to trust this resolve - I want to believe in it. I don't want to question myself.

I don't have any of the negative feelings this time - I didn't then either- but I did every other time in between that I tried to get serious. That gives me hope.

I want to believe in myself. Can it be that simple ? To take each day, and believe that I will have the resolve to make good choices all day.

For me eating healthy / losing weight is but one big piece of a puzzle. It is all interconnected -
I like how a ad I saw in the Oprah magazine -- can't even remember what for-- said it best.

"You live your best life when everything's connected, all aspects are aligned.... your budget, your time, your style, your family, yourself... "

For as long as I can remember - that has been the ultimate goal - to be present to the world as having it together, polished and in control. I have been successful in achieving pieces and even for time -fully living my life with purpose. I want that again. I will have that again.

But for today - I accept who I am.

The scales of truth

In August I got serious about "thinking" I wanted to lose weight again and in October - I finally got serious about doing it. And in as much that I really do believe that this is a whole lifestyle change and - not just about losing weight to see the numbers on the scale go down - I do recognize for myself that the scale is still one of the important tools of this chosen lifestyle.

So with all that said - I had one very HUGE problem - my scales wouldn't give me the truth. Ok - its not that they wouldn't give me the truth -is that they couldn't register the truth. The scales only went to 400! Uh Huh! (Remember over the table limit)

I didn't want to register the truth either - but after 2 weeks after being completely on plan and making baby steps to the other changes in my life that I want to make, I had to know what the truth was. I wasn't able to just stick with it - till I got down under 400 - I had to know now - because I needed to see the proof of my actions.

I went online and found a scale - that came in two weight capacities - 550 lbs and 440 plds.
Even though - I felt fairly certain that I was still under 440 lbs (Oh my god to say that out loud makes me cringe but still I couldn't bring myself to order that one - even though it saved me 20 dollars because I thought .. what .. if ... so I ordered the other scale, even paid extra to have it overnighted.

I got my scales on Wednesday - and I am happy ? (is that the right emotion - somehow no I don't think so ) but I can acknowledge the fact that I was right in my assumption and I don't weigh over 440 but - I did weigh in at 426. WOW ..

But I can't get hung up on the number - because I would come to a full stop if I think on it too much, however I still have to face the truth of my actions before I can move forward in life and downward on the scales.

Its a balancing act of not lying to oneself, but striving to keep it in perspective. To use the truth as motivation without being detrimental as the litany of how the hell did I allow myself to get here - runs through my head.

I need to accept me for who I am today and what I weigh today. I can't ignore ME for another day.

If I can't accept, understand and be at peace with who I am today - then I truly fear I can't leave this part of me behind.

I can't lie to myself - or pretend it away nor can I live in a vacuum for year - two years till I am at goal. I am not a bad person, I am not a lazy person, I am not a person who doesn't care about themselves, however I am a person who has used eating to satisfy some unknown hunger within myself. And no its not a true hunger for food. Food is to sustain life - not be your life.
I have used food as a drug to medicate myself into a false reality. I had come to be in a place where food had become more important then almost anything else. I have planned evenings around what I was going to eat. More then half of what I ate I didn't even like.

That is the cold truth. I can no longer live with that truth. I can live with myself - but I can't accept that about myself.
I will not allow Food to have that much power over me!

No more.