I have had a few turning points - that I thought at the time was enough to put me on the right path to weight loss and then ended up self sabotaging and sinking back into the abyss - of dark thoughts- what I affectionately call the dark side.
What I have now come to realize that while each "failure" was very painful - it has been what I have learned from each time - that brings me where I am today. I deal in today - and what I know I can do today.
In September of 2002 - I had reached what I thought was going to be my highest weight ever- of all time - I believe it was about 380 - because I didn't have a scale that would weigh me - and I hit the wall - asthma was out of control at the time, constant pain joint wise, totally disgusted with myself -many other aspects of my life in chaos - the one thing I have always held together pretty good was my ability to be a Mom .. but who I was as a person - a woman and how I felt deep down inside and how I viewed myself was in tatters.
So - I talked the talk - walked the walk and I lost 130 plus lbs - and I thought myself in control - in fact - it was largely about "control" that I was focused on that time. I embarked on this mission to bring order to my life, which I felt - if I could, I could control me, my surroundings, my finances, my house, my emotions, then I could lose weight and it worked for almost 18 months and many things I felt, wrote about at that time - I still believe in -
I still very much believe that losing weight isn't just about diet - but the whole life approach, how you feel and present yourself -your home environment, etc etc- its the whole package and that they are all enter-twined and integral to each other.
However there are some key differences this time - In the past and more then once I so bought into myself - that I projected myself months down the road-at goal - and feeling - hugely successful and in doing so created a a "perfect" facade and yet I was still struggling so much of the time emotionally - but I kept tamping that down inside me ..because I was still was seeing losses at the scale and that is how I measured my "self worth" and then I became complacent - and while I had always said it was about my health, secretly - I was getting off more on how I looked, how my clothes fit, and what people were saying about me.
Now the lowest weight I got too - I think was about 240 something - which is highly ironic to me at times because of how many others view themselves at that weight.
But I was on top of the world .. and then I crashed and burned in a spectacularly brilliant fashion - There are many factors that let me to stumble - falter and completely derail - but the one was that my body rebelled on itself - and I started having huge irritable bowel issues and in whacked out way - I "felt" better when I was eating a diet high in fat, now - of course I have come to understand physiologically why that was and of course it played a huge mind game with myself - After years of abuse - the body in amazing in how it adapts but when you start doing "the right thing" its responses aren't always what you expect of it. So that combined with the fact - that life or least my life didn't allow me to keep all my balls perfectly juggled - they all started bouncing down.
The next number of years are a blur in that - I still at times have a hard time reconciling the fact that almost 12 years has passed since I first saw the light - and that right there is probably one of the biggest facts I had to make peace with. Because once I really woke up again - the feelings of failure impeded me for years- on being successful at weight loss.
I had myself so convinced I was going to fail again - and I couldn't handle it. So I buried my head again and again and kept gaining more and more weight - and until ..
As i said a couple of key things happened .. back a number of years ago - when I first started this blog- it was created when I went to have a a ultra sound done of my leg for a suspected blood clot - and the technician matter of factly informed me that if I was over 400 lbs - she couldn't perform the test because - I was "over the table limit" - and I was OMG .. I knew I had to be (in a moment of being honest) but of course I lied and said NO and then prayed as I laid on the table in utter mortification .. - You would think that would have been enough .. but it would be another 3 years - (I think) before quite frankly the fear of where I was headed - was more then the pain of facing and dealing with feelings of failure and all the other baggage.
It was also watching the show big medicine and thinking OMG - but there for a 100 or so pounds am I ... and I made the personal choice that having gastric bypass surgery wasn't a answer for me. Not judging anybody who does but because I have binged when physically sick to my stomach and in horrible pain - I thought - no - I had to deal with the emotional issues once and for all.
Fast forward a few years to 2013 when I did reach a new all time high, - not exactly a achievement one likes to brag about *smile*. I weighed 450 lbs. at Christmas time 2013 and by this time my health and mobility severely compromised, even more then before .... I started again .. but didn't get truly serious until May of 2014.
I acknowledge my past, I recognize that I can't "rewrite" it but what I do know for sure is that there is nothing to be gained by dwelling on it .. it is what it was ...
And now here I am - quietly celebrating that I have lost 100 lbs and I am well on my way but - I still need to take it one day at time - and there are days I do it 15 minute segments at a time - thinking I can do anything for 15 minutes - I can make good choices in all aspects of my life for 15 minutes. I can do 30 minutes - a hour and so forth - Now I am doing it daily - but - again I know I can go back to getting through 15 if I have too.
I try very hard not to project myself where I will be next week or the month after that - and I certainly don't project myself at goal, because that is still very overwhelming that when I think on it - and realize that despite 100 pounds lost to date I still have 100 plus to lose.
What continues to be a work in progress is being at peace with my mistakes and letting go of them- its about letting go of negative ideas, beliefs - feelings of failures - etc.. and that is something I work at daily - and not only in relation to weight loss but all aspects of my life.
I am a work in progress and I accept that I always will be- but today - I can do this.
** Edited October 2014.
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